You mean it’s NOT all about me?

i was in miami this past week facilitating a workshop. before arriving i had made numerous plans (in my head) about where i would go eat and how i would entertain myself. while packing up the conference room, i realized that someone had been stolen something from me. after much searching, it was clear that either the hotel staff or one of my conference participants had stolen my property.

I am a believer in the law cause and effect. so, when someone “does me wrong” I ask myself a few questions; “how did i attract this type of energy, how do i forgive the person that committed the offense, and what is the lesson?”

i could not figure out how or why this happened. i travel often for work and pleasure. i am a smart and careful traveler. i also consider myself to be pretty lucky because these things rarely happen to me. with that said, someone managed to steal my property (virtually before my eyes).

as you can imagine, i was very upset about having my property “lifted.” my blood was boiling. instead of going out, i chose to get take out , eat dinner in my room, and prepare for my early morning flight. there was a slight mix up at the restaurant, and a very busy manager ordered the kitchen to give me a special meal and not charge me. the irony did not escape.

a few days later, i read an excerpt from Vaishali’s new book, Wisdom Rising. in the book, she talks about not taking things personally. At first, i drew no conclusion between what happened to me and her article. then i read this sentence:

“were human experience happening before your charming butt arrived to grace the third rock from the sun? did yo invent thought, or was that bouncing around long before you were born? if it was on the planet before you showed up, then it is a universal event, and there is nothing personal about it.”

this is a controversial message in this reality tv/it’s all about me/ i’ma do me/ do you/25 things about me... climate. Vaishali warns us about distilling universal life into the personal and instead suggests we view all experiences as a collective phenomenon. her article reminded me of what my colleague said about the theft. “Welcome to Miami. she could have easily have said, welcome to the world.

the truth is, no matter how much we pray, meditate or attempt to protect ourselves, random things will happen to us. they will happen as long as we continue to inhabit this volatile little rock called earth. crime happens. joy happens. the key is, not taking either experience - personal.

The Wall

Like many girls my first love was my father. Intellectually, I know my father did the best he could with what he had. In many ways I was a very lucky girl. My father worked from dusk till dawn and he gave me almost everything I asked for. And believe me, I had a many requests. However, he was old school. Putting food on the table was more of a priority than declarations of love and praise. So I guess in my mind for a long time I interpreted him as not caring for me and my mother.

My parents relationships was at times very difficult. My dear father had a lot of issues that he was dealing with as a black man (and an immigrant)in America, issues I would not understand until I was much older. So, like many women I made the choice early in life to keep all men at a distance.

Several years ago a close male friend told me that I built a wall taller than China between myself and other men. I accused him of not "knowing" me. A few weeks later I called him and agreed. I must confess, I had no idea this had happened. I thought I was "nice". I could not believe I was putting this energy out to the world. I cant say that I was address the issue-but at least I was waking up to it.


Looking back now, it is obvious to see that I chose men that I could never make a long term committment to for one reason or another. In my 20's I dated one bad boy after the next. In my early 30s I moved on to men that were emotionally unavailable to me. Then I stopped dating all together and decided to focus on getting my head and my life together.


Today, another male friend told me I was his closest and best friend- he said I have stuck by him longer than anyone else in his life. When everyone else turned their back on him I was and still am there for him. So, I decided to ask him about this perception that I am so hard on "other" men - he was shocked. He said he didnt see that in me at all. I asked him if he had any ideas on how I could try to work on this wall. He said maybe I could "shave off some of the rough edges" because men are sensitive-but of course he didnt tell me how to do that.

In most areas of my life, I have been able to step back, make the necessary adjustments and improvements to myself and keep it moving with a positive attitude. The challenge for me now is to learn how to do that with men-how to wipe the slate clean and move forward .

So, I have no snappy ending for this entry. I'll just wrap up by saying that I am in the process of un-packing 39 years of memories-bad and good. When I figure out what to keep and what to throw away I will let you know (if you are interested).

Z.

Fab 4.0

So as approach the big 40 i finally get that happiness is completly in my own hands.

first 20 years-parents tell us who we are


20s trying to define who are within the realm of who our families,teachers, and peers and significant others say we are-at this stage we try everything to the max!!!

30s still trying to figure it all out- but we still struggling with other peoples interpretations of us.

40s you begin not to care

Strangers on a Train

So in a way,this post is a continuation from my trip to El Salvador.

I had a very interesting experience on public transport. I missed my stop. For some reason the door wouldnt open and had to take the train to the next stop only so I could go back in the opposite direction.

When I got off the train there were two young brothas were hurling racial slurs at no one in particular. I couldnt understand if they were mad at each othere, just wanted attention or if they were threatning the security guard that was standing around doing nothing. It wasn't long before I realized that these young men were taunting other young black males. It was a very uncomfortable situation. While most men kept walking, ignoring the two, I knew it wouldnt be long before they found someone that would take their bate.

The two young men started harassing another young man that wasn't about to back down. When I heard the words "punk and pussy" I knew a fight was about to ensue. Young folks that were sitting on benches got up and moved to the side where I was sitting. WHen i realized the security guard was going to nothing I took out my phone and dialed 911. Luckily, one the young men staring holding his friend back and the security guard (a large black man) finally stepped in. It appeared that the situation was finally under control (after 30 minutes).

Then when I got on the train there were two young women talking about their dating "adventures" and there was no shortage of the word the n word in their conversation. I was left wondering, what is going on with our children. Why were those young men whiling out? And why were those young girls having conversations on the train that no mother would want to hear.

This whole scenario disturbed me beyond belief. Not because I am unaware of what is going on with our people but because there are many young people that are angry and scared and invisible. I found myself wondering, are these kids whose parents are too wrapped up in self to be up on their game-or do these kids have parents that care about them and they just wanna show out-who knows.

My question is,how do we help our young folk?. Are we as adults supposed to interrupt "innappropriate"conversations and tell the kids that they are beautiful and worthy and should present themselves as such or that there are systems in place to keep them in a box and if their not careful they won't get out of it. Do we focus on the youth that are already succeeding and hope they will reach out to their friends? Or do we look the other way-and hope they will figure it out on their own?

just something for you to ocnsider,
Z

Haunted

So I just returned from El Salvador and it fair to say that my mind is completely blown
This post is a total rambling so there will be no punctuation
If that bugs you turn away



It is as if I am going through withdrawal from the kindness of the people, the beauty of the landscape, the unpredictable weather and the commitment of the people to make a way even in poverty like i have never seen in my life the willingness of the complete strangers to take me into their homes to feed me when they have so little and to ask for nothing people who cared for me when i was sick like my own mother would
new friends (family really) who shared the most intimate stories of their lives whether it was their experiences going through the war, the despair of being in unfulfilling relationships, or a happily married couple dropping some jewels on a young sista the children who wrapped their tiny fingers around my locks as we traded English for Spanish lessons

at the end of the "Motorcycle Diaries" a young Che Guevara states at the end of his trek through south America (the journey that ultimately made him a cult figure) that "he felt as if he would think about all he had seen and done for quite some time and that he was unsure if he could go back to his middle class life and seeing the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick. Now I am no Che-but I feel as if I have been changed-and that I will be haunted by what I experienced for quite some time.


Now back in the U.S. and longing for Latin American I watched Love in the Time of Cholera which filled me with nostalgia

this poem is the result


Haunted

When I awake its you
When I dream its you
My heart breaks
My mind aches
and I pray
its the same way for you

How desperate i am
in truth
Mi amor
no ocean separates
i fear
mi amor
Nothing i do dissipates
mi amor
Though your gone-
there is no hiding place
mi amore
for Your absence it fills
every space
mi amore
and your love it congests every pore
mi amore
my worst fear is no love can replace
mi amore
who i love
for my heart sees your face
and no more
and whats worse i dont think that i care
anymore




zf

My Response to The Black Men Response- Blog # 6

"Hide your grandaughters, R. Kelly is a free man." This was the title I'd planned upon recieving the news that after six long years Robert Kelly was declared not guilty of child pornography.

The problem was, I couldn't figure out anything to say. The words simply would not come.

What happened next was surprising. My mind turned to lyrics from Jay Z's Black album. "What more can I say?? I have been talking about this issue for years (often to others dismay). Maybe, it was time for new vocies.

Then "The Black Male Response to the R. Kelly Verdict by Jelani Cobb popped showed up in my email. It was a joy to read. Not because he said everything I'd wanted to say and couldn't but because he said everything I want to hear from black men!!!

So, I have posted it here 4 your consideration..........

Black Male Response to R Kelly Verdict

06:33:02 pm, by eisa718 , 929 words, 18 views

Categories: Everything

Thanks to Jelani Cobb, who sent this to me:
*****
Dear Friends:

I am one of the contributors to the anthology Be A Father to Your Child, which focuses on encouraging healthy fatherhood development in the black community. We felt it necessary to issue the following statement and petition in response to the recent verdict in R. Kelly's child pornography trial.

Please read and, if you agree, sign and forward this to your networks.
Sincerely,
Jelani Cobb

Statement of Black Men Against the Exploitation of Black Women

Six years have gone by since we first heard the allegations that R. Kelly had filmed himself having sex with an underage girl. During that time we have seen the videotape being hawked on street corners in Black communities, as if the dehumanization of one of our own was not at stake. We have seen entertainers rally around him and watched his career reach new heights despite the grave possibility that he had molested and urinated on a 13-year old girl. We saw African Americans purchase millions of his records despite the long history of such charges swirling around the singer. Worst of all, we have witnessed the sad vision of Black people cheering his acquittal with a fervor usually reserved for community heroes and shaken our heads at the stunning lack of outrage over the verdict in the broader Black community.

Over these years, justice has been delayed and it has been denied. Perhaps a jury can accept R. Kelly's absurd defense and find "reasonable doubt" despite the fact that the film was shot in his home and featured a man who was identical to him. Perhaps they doubted that the young woman in the courtroom was, in fact, the same person featured in the ten year old video. But there is no doubt about this: some young Black woman was filmed being degraded and exploited by a much older Black man, some daughter of our community was left unprotected, and somewhere another Black woman is being molested, abused or raped and our callous handling of this case will make it that much more difficult for her to come forward and be believed. And each of us is responsible for it.

We have proudly seen the community take to the streets in defense of Black men who have been the victims of police violence or racist attacks, but that righteous outrage only highlights the silence surrounding this verdict.

We believe that our judgment has been clouded by celebrity-worship; we believe that we are a community in crisis and that our addiction to sexism has reached such an extreme that many of us cannot even recognize child molestation when we see it.We recognize the absolute necessity for Black men to speak in a single, unified voice and state something that should be absolutely obvious: that the women of our community are full human beings, that we cannot and will not tolerate the poisonous hatred of women that has already damaged our families, relationships and culture.

We believe that our daughters are precious and they deserve our protection. We believe that Black men must take responsibility for our contributions to this terrible state of affairs and make an effort to change our lives and our communities.

This is about more than R. Kelly's claims to innocence. It is about our survival as a community. Until we believe that our daughters, sisters, mothers, wives and friends are worthy of justice, until we believe that rape, domestic violence and the casual sexism that permeates our culture are absolutely unacceptable, until we recognize that the first priority of any community is the protection of its young, we will remain in this tragic dead-end.

We ask that you:

o Sign your name if you are a Black male who supports this statement:
http://www.petitiononline.com/rkelly/petition.html

o Forward this statement to your entire network and ask other Black males to sign as well

o Make a personal pledge to never support R. Kelly again in any form or fashion, unless he publicly apologizes for his behavior and gets help for his long-standing sexual conduct, in his private life and in his music

o Make a commitment in your own life to never to hit, beat, molest, rape, or exploit Black females in any way and, if you have, to take ownership for your behavior, seek emotional and spiritual help, and, over time, become a voice against all forms of Black female exploitation

o Challenge other Black males, no matter their age, class or educational background, or status in life, if they engage in behavior and language that is exploitative and or disrespectful to Black females in any way. If you say nothing, you become just as guilty.

o Learn to listen to the voices, concerns, needs, criticisms, and challenges of Black females, because they are our equals, and because in listening we will learn a new and different kind of Black manhood

We support the work of scholars, activists and organizations that are helping to redefine Black manhood in healthy ways. Additional resources are listed below.

Books:

Who's Gonna Take the Weight, Kevin Powell

New Black Man, Mark Anthony Neal

Deals with the Devil and Other Reasons to Riot, Pearl Cleage

Traps: African American Men on Gender and Sexuality, Rudolph Byrd and Beverly Guy-Sheftall

Films:

I Am A Man: Black Masculinity in America, by Byron HurtHip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes, by Byron Hurt

NO! The Rape Documentary, by Aishah Simmons

Organizations:

The 2025 Campaign: www.2025bmb.org

Men Stopping Violence: www.menstoppingviolence.org

Blog #5 Newly Updated Violence Prevention Resource Directory Launched

The Violence Prevention Unit of the CDPH’s Epidemiology and Prevention for Injury Control (EPIC) Branch, is pleased to announce the availability of an updated on-line California Violence Prevention Resource Directory at http://www.cdph.ca.gov/HealthInfo/injviosaf/Pages/ViolencePreventionResourceDirectory.aspx. Based on EPIC’s former Family Violence Referral Directory, consistently one of the Department’s most visited web pages, this improved version provides users with county-specific contact information for agencies and services in the following areas:

· Domestic Violence Victim/Prevention Services;
· Domestic Violence Shelter Services;
· Sexual Violence (Rape) Victim/Prevention Services;
· Victim/Witness Services;
· Adult Protective Services;
· Child Protective Services; and
· Batterers’ Intervention Programs (Approved).

Sponsored by EPIC’s Domestic Violence Training and Education Program, and funded by a portion of fines collected from convicted batterers, the directory has been re-designed based on user feedback. While not broadly inclusive of every aspect of violence prevention, it includes distinct categories of resources most requested and reflective of the current focus areas of CDPH. The accuracy of the information included in the directory will be maintained on a continuous basis through links for submitting new or updated information and feedback.

We hope the California Violence Prevention Resource Directory will be useful to you in finding services and information when and where you need them most!

Blog #3 The 4th Day

Last year, after going from feeling that, “something wasn’t quite right” to shaking, sweating, and suffering with a pounding headache I dragged myself doctor. Now, this was a big deal for me at the time because I DON’T DO DOCTORS. When I feel the onset of a cold I reach for some herbs, or another homeopathic method. Call me crazy, but with the history black folk have with doctors, coupled with the fact that their offices are called “practices” don’t engender warm feelings. Well, I did go to the Dr. and was diagnosed with pneumonia.

For those of you that may not know, Pneumonia is an inflammatory illness of the lung. Frequently, it is described as lung parenchyma/alveolar inflammation and abnormal alveolar filling with fluid. (The alveoli are microscopic air-filled sacs in the lungs responsible for absorbing oxygen from the atmosphere.) ive been practicing metaphysics for years so I knew that Pneumonia was related to desperation-feeling trapped.

On the fourth day, I began asking myself some critical questions:

How dedicated am I to own needs.
How many times had overlooked hurtful words from “friends and lovers?
How many times have I inflicted hurtful words on those same folk?
How many times had I wanted to say “I love you to someone” and let pride or fear get in the way?
How long was I going to ignore my writing?
Why was I pushing myself so hard at work and not focusing on the projects that brought me joy?
Why had I moved half way across the country and still wasn’t satisfied?
Although I considered myself a spiritual person why was I so inconsistent with prayer and why I was a vegetarian that was tipping the scale at over two hundred pounds?
Why was I addicted to Starbucks?

On the fifth day I realized, that like many people, I could have been living in varying forms of quiet desperation and not noticed. In my mind, I was a healthy woman. I only drank occasionally, never smoked and did moderate exercise. To the casual observer, I was someone that “took care of me’. I’ve done a lot of work on myself spiritually over the years but there were still areas in my life that I simply ignored.

But desperation is sneaky. Desperation, not unlike the little bacteria that had settled in my lung, had entered with little fanfare. What I hadn’t realized is that desperation festers in the darkness. I believe it comes from being in relationships with friends, lovers or even careers that have run their course. Desperation appears when we don’t think we matter.

Too many of us don’t know our strength-don’t recognize our power. The result is that we play at life instead of living it. We tell ourselves a story about “who we are” and what is available to us and then act out that role. If we are lucky, we get a wake up call and actually wake up. Sadly, many people don’t wake up. But this blog isn’t about those people.

This blog is about ME ME ME!

I woke up (for the most part). I wish I could say that my epiphany propelled me into living the life I always dreamed. I can’t say that. What I can say is, I gave up Starbucks, joined the gym and started paying to attention to my life again.

Just something for you to consider,

Z.